Wounds With A Purpose by Ruhama Wolle

I began writing letters to God years ago,I just never thought to write to myself until now
....this is me healing

Written Dec. 2015

Dear Ru,

This journey will not get any easier, so forgive yourself now even if you feel undeserving. Convinced the burdens of yesterday and the enemy himself have made you a servant to darkness. But it all dwells within. All this time you’ve been your own enemy, delaying everything in life by simply missing God’s calling.

A spoken word artist once said, “Hurt has a face and a name. Even wears a mask of anger and simultaneously one of shame.” Isn't it funny how we believe God forgives us instantaneously, yet forgiving others carries a decision that needs to be pondered on.

The weather here in D.C. is chilling as I come in at the cold of winter. Wisps of frost air keep me tossing and turning most nights. Countless thoughts have pushed me to detach from social media. I have this urgency to drawback and rightfully heal this time. Considering all that’s happened, a part of me is holding on, trusting this feeling is temporary. Maybe this journey has a bigger blueprint outside of me. One that allows us woman to connect on the many scars we share... left by the men who have come in and out of our lives.

There’s a saying that if wisdom doesn’t teach you, rock bottom will.

And the crash was quite painful.

This world encourages the hiding and faking, but turns a cold shoulder at our crumbling. Perhaps we learn these things from social media, or the Christian Communities we so easily join. From a young age I was conditioned to believe that approval was vital and in return I compromised myself, only to be left vulnerable. Isn’t it funny how the very own people around you can end up reinforcing the sickness?

So I’m doing this for the one who has felt utterly lost or unworthy in the midst of their trials. Yes you’ve missed the first, second, and even third time... but remember you serve a God of another chance.

So what is it you’re covering, that God is trying to use?

Forget The New Year's Resolution by Ruhama Wolle

Written Jan. 2016

What do you believe about you? Is the question that taunts me these days. It’s easy to boast about ourselves in the midst of our success, but what about during our failing moments? How does one go from ranking in the top ten percentile in high school, attending the most prestigious public university, only to pack up and move home...to start over? These questions continued to creep in. In fear, will they see who I was? Will they see my mistakes, the many times I’ve failed.

So I’ve officially made the move from CA to D.C. and now North Carolina. Not many know. Not that it’s really anyone’s business, but you would think it would be easier for them this way. Those, who put people on pedestals to the point where you can’t even be honest with yourself. "Who would’ve thought ‘most likely to succeed Ru would be attending community college?" But then again maybe this is the enemy himself talking.

Bear with me, it’s been a battle deciphering my thoughts.

God I’ve lost my way, I don’t remember the last time I felt inner peace. I’ve lost sight of myself, losing the meaning of what it means to love myself. I don’t even know what truly gives me joy and satisfaction anymore. I think for the longest time, I gave myself to others holding back the love and comfort I needed to give to myself and more importantly, You. I struggle explaining my situation to others, let alone to myself. And so these days I find myself reading and searching, in the hopes of finding someone to relate to.

After enduring many dark moments, Maya Angelou talks about the journey of self-forgiveness....

"I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you, when a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thick or too sexual or too asexual, that’s rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself."

And so I ask again, what do you believe about you?

 

Accept What You’ve Been Given...and carry on by Ruhama Wolle

Written Feb. 2016

At this point I’m staying afloat, but what do you do when survival does not feel successful. When just waking up and breathing is not enough? It's been a month now since I started at Wake Tech. Honestly it hasn't been too bad besides running into a couple folks from high school. I could see the shock in their faces, but these days all I have in me is to give a quick nod and keep pushing. It's been difficult finding anyone relatable these days, but then again I sense God calling on me to detach. It’s challenging when we’re waiting impatiently to be active again, but God is requiring us to be still.  

Before I go on this journey of really dissecting myself and the roots of the matter, I want to acknowledge God. My mom has instilled in me that it's always our season to give thanks to God. And despite how ashamed I feel with all that’s happened, God’s process of healing and affirmation is one that’s unforgettable. I mean how many of us can say we’ve received a second chance to start again...to do right this time.

Plus, at a certain point don’t we all get tired of the self-pity party. Moping around about our circumstances just waiting on God to show up. There’s a saying about activating what God has already given you. So I’m dropping the “what could and might have been.”

All that truly matters now...is finding peace. And the only way I can think of beginning, is starting at this exact moment accepting things exactly as they are.

TD Jakes talks about preparing our minds to have a new perspective on our situations. He claims "You have survived being in a thousand feet of water. You made it safely to the other side and now at a moment of celebration and you are standing here still fearful afraid you are going to die in 2 ft of water...don’t you know you can’t trust your feelings."

 

You Underestimated How Much It Would Cost... by Ruhama Wolle

Written: March 2016

Many recognize the story of the prodigal son. A story of sin, as a son rejects his father’s love only to gamble away his inheritance. But it's more than just a story of betrayal. The story presents a battle we all undertake and ultimately face; identity.

Three years ago when I was just beginning to figure myself out, I began to pull away from God. (Why? Well that’s a whole other story) Anyways, there’s a saying that as long as man (or woman) is away from God, he is not really himself. Looking back I didn’t disown Him, but I didn’t obey him either. And that in-itself opened up the many cracks for temptation.

I let myself get so busy in life, I was afraid to sit still and figure things out early on. And there’s a point when we realize, we underestimated how much it would end up costing. The time spent away from studies with the wrong individuals, the times sacrificed for causes not worth a fight, and the times we simply hoped we wouldn’t get caught.   

A year ago this month, I was at the lowest I’d ever been. Sitting in my room alone on a college campus having to choose to live despite the pain and lies the enemy was feeding me. So many young people these days want to slip under the rug: depression, severe anxiety, and suicide. Yet it's the second leading cause of death for 15-24 year olds. I mean we’re all messed up right? But who’s telling our youth that it’s ok to not be ok. Angelou once said “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”

But don’t be fooled, this isn’t for you…

Just finally being honest with myself.

When Healing Hurts by Ruhama Wolle

Written: May 2016

My mother would say that the Lord would always speak louder than our pain. And it took months of discipline to sit in silence and pick up a glimpse of the Lord’s peace and direction.

Sometimes I look back and think I needed all this to happen. Don’t get me wrong... healing hurts, but without the low points maybe the dysfunctions would continue to go unnoticed or worse, unchecked.

And so I closed my eyes and looked within...

Early hours rise, yet darkness encloses
Is storm arising or has nightfall been hasty
I call on time to make sense of the commotion
But she twirls and twists like the needle of my compass
And so I listen to the blues of a child
For the voice of direction


"Who are you?" I ask to the shadow in the distance
She responds, "I am but a memory waiting to be forgotten"
I try and help, but she's back humming her blues
As the melody in her voice sings for a breakthrough
Yet the harmony alongside taunts her of the truth
Her lullaby tells a story familiar and eerie
Of a child stuck
Between the forgotten and foreseen
"Come forward" I tell her,
But she says "It's too foggy to see"
So I step in closer
To catch her shadow parallel to me


She begins a new song much worse
Than her early cries
"Why are you here I ask?
I see the pain in your eyes"
"Just listen," she says as she continues her song
"I let their stories of pain become mine,
Wounds from the the things our father spoke over us
Disappointment of men who we knew were just sus
And I spent years convincing myself I was fine

They are what brought me here she says
But they are not the reasons for why I remain."
And so I tell her
"The way you've been raised is not who you've been called to be
Why don't you go and be free..
Warm shadows won't you cast your burden on me
I come to bring you truth, but you can't seem to receive
What's really stopping you from being free?"


But she snarks, "Oh I know who you to be,
Picking up projects to avoid reality
Can't face the same issues you seem to flee
I am without any devices to help me
Without any friends to save me again
I am in a state of limbo
For that is why I called you here
Because it is you who has done this,
Who has kept a hold on me
I brought you here so YOU can let go and be free"
I ask her "How?" as she begins to fade


...."Use your voice," she says.

The Intersection by Ruhama Wolle

The intersection between potential and performance is vital. I didn't ask for my life to change this drastically, but its moments like these that make you and set the course of who you're going to be.

Moments that force you to choose: to step forward, leap, or take a glance backwards. 

What you do next, is what counts.

This is my first leap forward...